I just decided not to enter a contest on YouTube. I’ve been hung up over it for days, deciding whether or not to compete for a spot in a selective YouTube creator’s camp in New York City: a week of training and connections, plus equipment, plus ongoing support from YouTube. Basically a ticket to success. All you have to do is write three essays, have a winning example video, be a channel with a vision…and oh yeah, also want to go.
That’s what finally hung me up. You have to want to go.
Believe me, I don’t have anything against New York City. And oh, how I’d love a change of pace! from chores and slushy ice and my (adorable) toddler climbing on my back every minute of the day. Yes, please, I would like to go to New York for a week of conversations about “vision” and “innovation” in rooms with humans only, and grown ups at that. Sign me up.
But I felt myself detaching from my real life, just thinking about it. When I went on YouTube and watched videos by all these glossy people, all the check mark channels, I felt myself disconnecting from the very groundedness that has saved me these past few years. I was thinking, sure, I could wear more makeup. Sure, I could use better equipment. Except then I remembered that I don’t really want to.
My heart has been called to something else.
If this message that follows is a little too on the nose, I’m sorry. Sometimes the news isn’t gentle. It’s more like getting hit with a hammer. But right in the middle of my wanting to go to New York City and become a check mark channel on YouTube, I listened to Mihee Kim-Kort’s podcast, and it was a sermon reflection on Philippians 3:17-4:1:
their minds are set on earthly things.
There is not a clean incompatibility between spiritual health and worldly success. There simply isn’t a clean dividing line. It’s absolutely possible that a person could have both, or at least have them alternate in unexpected ways. But you can tell what it is that’s pulling at you. If you stop and listen to your heart, you can tell which call you’re answering. It is just clear as anything which citizenship you’re reaching for: whether it is the holy membership of living intentionally and living fully alive, or the “normal” of wanting more while giving less.
I could wear more makeup in my videos. And I could use better cameras. I could. And maybe someday I will. But it won’t be because I wanted a vacation, or because I needed a break from my real life. If I’m feeling tired — and let’s be honest, I really am — I need to go to a well that will really satisfy, not run onto another hamster wheel.
I need to gear down, not gear up. I don’t need to run away. I don’t need to sabotage plans. I don’t need a contest and an “opportunity” to sweep me away. I just need to do a little less.
And that…that is the great test of my courage. That is the thing I am always asked to do that’s hard. I hate doing less. I hate the risk of it. I hate how it just isn’t like me. I hate how it goes against the values of the world, to say, “I’m not going to enter this contest. I’ll never know whether or not I would have won. I’m just going to let that door fall closed.”
But even as I take that risk I’m also getting free from a current that pushes me along. I’m getting free from a pressure that always goes in a certain direction, and that isn’t always the way my heart wants to go. And I’m giving my roots a chance to grow into the riverbank. I’m giving myself a chance to become fully myself.
There isn’t a clean incompatibility between spiritual health and worldly success. There just isn’t. It isn’t a clean line. But it’s hard to find your own way if you’re being pushed along by something else. And I’ve made too many sacrifices for my stability to let myself be swept away right now.
As soon as I decided I felt so much more peaceful. Thank goodness. I can stop rehearsing my award acceptance speech. (haha!) I can stop practicing at being someone other than the beloved and beautiful and completely ordinary person that I am. Instead, I can practice believing that I am enough, even just exactly as I stand. Even just like this: created and beloved and enough.
Wishing you all peace, and rest. And the courage to live fully alive, instead of normal.
Love from the yurt,
Esther
LOVE this Esther! Brought tears to my eyes. I so appreciate your honesty. Your down-to-earth style. You are so real. So many great quotes in here: “And I have felt how the way you live changes what you’re made of. I have felt how the way you direct your eyes changes what you see.” And: “If I’m feeling tired — and let’s be honest, I really am — I need to go to a well that will really satisfy, not run onto another hamster wheel.” So good. You are so real. Thank you for sharing this, friend.
Thank you, Cornelia. Sending love to you!
Wow and wow! Hooray for that ‘hell, no’ that you’re brave enough to say. And this – I love this: ‘ I need to go to a well that will really satisfy, not run onto another hamster wheel.’ Rooting you on. And now stopping typing to be present to my son who just walked in!
Thank you, Amy. x
Yep, we’re making you British! 🙂 xx
Bravo Esther! Bravo! I have been wrangling over here too. You just helped me reflect and let go.
Thank you for this. I’m glad I came across it this morning – it was an encouragement to read.
“And that…that is the great test of my courage. That is the thing I am always asked to do that’s hard. I hate doing less. I hate the risk of it. I hate how it just isn’t like me. I hate how it goes against the values of the world…”
I think your greatest gift to the world might lie along the road to this understanding and your ability to articulate it.
The scrambling for more, more, more, better, better, better (not just any “more and better,” more and better like the market/advertisers have all agreed is the attractive more and better) only leads to material, emotional, and spiritual depletion.
But sometimes if you get really good at “more and better,” it gets you a lot of attention from a lot people you will never know. Why that hell is that so attractive to so many of us?
Still loving your work. Still learning from it.
My mama says you don’t have to DO anything unless God tells you to. Those words have guided most of my adult life. They havr allowed me to be free. I’m sorry I won’t see you in the big city but the city isn’t going anywhere. You’re being you … and doing you. “That” really is the best life Esther.Thanks for charing your #heartcheck with us.
Oh, Lisha. You are a reason that I just must get my rear end to NYC! But thank you for understanding. Sending love.
Rev. Coulter’s words equating “normal” and the unintentional & thoughtless life echo loudly within me. The currents of the day do indeed keep us moving when we may not even realize how very wet we are getting. Thanks for sharing, Esther, and for shining the light on “normal.” (P.S. You look great in your videos.)
So so good. I need to read this post every day.
It’s so easy everyday to go with the flow of the world at large. And for some that is quite alright. But there are a few of us and at times an ever growing number who seek to get out of the mainstream flow and watch from a quiet place. I find this quiet place rejuvenates me more than anything else and I think many others do to.
So continue to seek that inner peace rather than totally and evermore succumbing to the rat race.
Just yesterday, I sent off three boxes of books and teaching materials related to marketing. For years I thought that these books were going to save me and offer me an independent life. And they never did. I just good never really do all that was in those books. My path is a different one. I sent them off to someone I believe may actually get use out of them and use them for some good—small nonprofit fundraising.
As for me, the truth lies within, and the rest is noise. It was scary to put the books in boxes. I was elated when I handed them over at the postoffice.
Different paths, you and I. Same struggle I believe. Thank you.
Esther, I love all of this, and this paragraph really stands out to me: “But even as I take that risk I’m also getting free from a current that pushes me along. I’m getting free from a pressure that always goes in a certain direction, and that isn’t always the way my heart wants to go. And I’m giving my roots a chance to grow into the riverbank. I’m giving myself a chance to become fully myself.” Jamie and I were talking about something similar last night, how we don’t want to do just what everyone else does. We want to do what we ourselves are called to do, not what someone else thinks, or what seems to be “normal” but what is unique for each of us. You have really put into words what I think Jamie and I were touching on last night
Thanks, Gayl!
Very good, and just a coincidence, my wife and I were talking about this in the past weekend. How we have seen so many artistically talented people (all forms of art) who are being pulled away from a relationship with their creator. In our case it is a family member, but we have watched it everywhere. Art, be it video, music, stories, graphics or whatever, talk most directly to our heart in ways that words alone are unable to. I believe there are people (spiritual forces too?) who wish to shape the world in a way that (to their mind) will bring them the most profit. Some people are already so rich that it is not profit but changing the world we live in. Many of these changes are not in line with how we were created. Good choice for choosing to follow the path assigned you rather than someone else’s.
I hear the wisdom in this. Thank you.
Esther – I am feeling this post so, so much. ‘You have to want to go.’ — this is it, exactly, and can be applied to anything and everything we come across. It truly is more important to live fully than it is to live ‘normal’. If we set our course of what is normal by the standards of this society, then we will end up as far askew and unhappy as the majority of people.
A theme I’ve been paying mind to lately: ‘Your life doesn’t have to be well appointed to be well lived’. I didn’t copy that from anyone, I made it up. And I’ve been trying to remember it and live by it. It isn’t about what you have, what you achieved, what you entered :), or what you did. It’s how you live, and how you feel while doing it. It’s up to each of us to determine what it necessary, and then live by it.
It is how you live. Exactly. HOW you live. Now I’m going to take your saying and live by it, too.
Love this. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for reading!
Wow. So much I feel this. This really spoke to me and the crossroads where I’m standing I took a great job for a year, and it wasn’t a “wordy success” job, and it was a worthy detour, but it was a detour. I could stay on this path, jump in with both feet (my versionn of wearing lipstick & better cameras). Bu then, I’d never get back and I want to return to the other path. Now I need to tidy up, say goodbye, and get back to my main road.
The wanting more while giving less doesn’t sound half bad to me. Some days I think I’ve given too much too quickly, and the safest thing to do is retire from giving at all. I’m sure that’s not wise, but it is attractive. I think what I really need is to stay out of the current long enough to figure out why I want so badly to rush along through life toward the next promise. If it’s about recognition then it’s all pretty fleeting. Even the big stuff. When I stop and think about the life I have right now, it’s actually pretty good. Hard, but full of meaningful days, meaningful moments. Still, that crying out for more is a deeper thing that I can’t exactly wish away either. I think it has to do with wildness. Freedom. Hunger for good stories and participation in them.
Wishing you peace and rest and courage, too!
Yes, a million times, yes. Thank you for posting this!!!
I recently found your blog from youtube. This is the first article I have read. Wow. Can’t wait for the book. All the comments are really motivating too!
I know I’m just echoing what everyone else has said here, but thanks for this! I’m so glad you have offered this thoughtful post, and a space for us all to agree 🙂
Ditto to all of the above!!♡
Everyone can come up with gems of wisdom once in a blue moon, but the awareness that’s necessary to start thinking over these things, and your writing ability which expresses it so well amazes me. …You are one of those rare people. Your wisdom is the sort that I always search for. Thank you.
New to your website but feel deeply connected by sharing similar beliefs. Thank you for being brave, which allows me to be brave too. Following my heart, truly listening to my desires honors my soul.
All of this. All of it. Thank you.
Fantastic essay. I do believe your self-imposed quieter life has reaped much clarity in thinking. You may be a philosopher! Thank you so much for sharing these important thoughts.
Before I even finished reading what you were saying I had to leave this comment and will go and finish reading and probably add more knowing me. lol Many years ago we were taking this class at church and every week in my “homework” I kept getting Be Still and Know that I am God”. EVERY WEEK! I wasn’t “still” I STAYED busy at something all the time and in fact friends picked on me calling me the Energizer Bunny because I went and went and went. Thing is He was telling me to BE STILL and I wasn’t getting it. He allowed me to be still though, flat of my back being still for a lonnnnnng 3 months plus. I hurt my back and it laid me up for that long. They wanted to do surgery on it, but I didn’t do that. Long story short I STILL struggle with being still, but I am much better than what I was. In the time I was down in bed I read the scripture in 1 Co. that says how when we are weak He is strong and I was like oh my word and was sobbing because I was in soooo much pain with my back. He knows what He is doing with us strong women and He knows just what we need and when we need it. Yeah grounded and being still for me indeed.